Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Baby Club

I used to be very annoyed that I was not part of the baby club. You know, when you go through pregnancy and the birthing process. It gives a woman an instant bond with other women. Recently, (and many other times in my past) I was forced to listen to a group of cackling hens talk about every last detail of the pregnancy process.

It was so amazing, these women knew exactly when they got pregnant. They talked about where they were at during the time of conception. They could feel the cell dividing. . They went on to talk about each trimester play by play in detail.

Some were sick at the thought of food, others ate like a horse, their boobs hurt, but they got bigger much to the delight of some of the women. They had to pee all the time, they got stretch marks. Literally two hours later they were still talking about having a baby. Bla Bla Bla Bla. When they got to the ultrasound part at least I could join in.

I jumped in and told them this story. I had an ultrasound. No baby though. I asked the technician if I could have a photo to hang on my wall at work just like everyone else. The technician said really? I said yes. So she gave me a photo of my ultrasound. I hung it on my wall at work like everyone else. The women in the group just stared at me, not knowing what to say. I shrugged my shoulders.

After the long pause one woman started talking about her plug. The group all joined in the choir at once. Singing songs of where they where at when their plug came out. I will be the first to say I didn't even know about a plug until a few years ago. In fact it was my bad Mormon friend who first told me about plugs. She should know she has 15 kids.

Not ever bearing children makes you feel left out.

Do you know that at different points in my life women would pull up their shirts to show me a big round pregnant belly. Some of them knew the difficulty I was going through. I have had women want me to feel their bellies and the baby kicking or moving. No way, not a chance.

I was so jealous...I hated being invited to baby showers. Being invited meant two things:

1. I had to go into the baby section of the store and buy a present
2. I would have to go to the shower and act like I was happy for the lady who was having the baby.

Buying cute little baby presents caused me all kinds of pain. I would drive up to the store to buy a baby present. Sometimes I would get upset so I would drive off and go buy a frosty.

Other times I would get into the store. With one glance at those cute newborn clothes I could feel the tears welling up getting ready to pour out of me. Someone turned on the faucet. I could not control it, I had to get out of the store, get in my car, have a good sob, go home and go to bed.

If I did make it to the baby shower I was really pissed off that the lady and the baby could have a special party. I wanted a special party. A cake, punch and presents. All the baby club members would be there telling of how to care for the baby and telling the pregnant woman how beautiful she was. Each present opened with awwww from the club. Most of the time I would excused myself and go home.

Rage would possess me. In my mind I would be yelling at God telling him it wasn't fair. I wanted to be part of the baby club. I would tell God that I did not understand why there are women in this world who give birth in the toilet and walk a way. Or why could some women pop babies out like popping popcorn. EVERYONE can have a baby, Just not me.

Over the years I have realized I went through the grieving process. I was grieving something I never had, only wished for. Here are the grieving steps I took.

1. Denial - I am not mad at God for this. Maybe someday I will have a baby,
2. Anger - I am mad at God for this, I am not having a baby.
3. Bargaining- Ok God, if I can have a baby I will follow all your commandments and never sin again. Or here is some extra money in the offering, maybe God will notice me and I can have a baby. Will God take bribes? (no)
4.-Depression. I don't fit in the baby club. I cannot carry on family traditions. People say things like "why don't you have any kids yet" or why didn't you have any children. I will just stay in bed and or go to the refrigerator to eat my way out of depression.
5. Acceptance. Ok God, you know why I did not have a baby. You can see the beginning to the end of my life, you are in control. You give me peace.

So what have I figured out through all this?

1. I am not in control.
2. God sees the the whole story of my life. The alpha and omega. A child was not in the plan, but he had other plans for me.
3. I can confer with other women who were not able to have babies. We have our own secret
4. God has given me beautiful children I did not have to give birth to.

Even though it was not my idea to have kids the way I do, it was the right way for me. I am thankful for each and everyone of them.

1 comment:

ChaChaneen said...

K - I still VIVIDLY remember the dream I had of you with a baby boy. I'm driving up to your house and see you sway side to side with a dark haired baby on your hip. Perhaps, it's a Grandbaby! Hmmmm