Friday, July 3, 2009

Update 7/3 and rambling depressing thoughts

My dad went to the radiologist. My sister in law said the Dr. was cold and factual. He told them my dad is NOT a candidate for radiology. The area is to big and deep. But he will have the chemo.

I guess it boils down to how miserable do you want to be before you die?

I keep having nightmares about my dad calling for help. I can't help him. Or another dream is my family keeps calling on the phone and they are screaming for me to help my dad. The phone gets disconnected and I cannot reconnect with them or my dad.
I can see how out of control I feel. There is nothing I can do to make the cancer stop its path of destruction.

I pray all the time for the healing of my dad. I also pray for others I know who have cancer. I know God does not want my dad or others to suffer. We live in a fallen world where pain and suffering are common. I can honestly say that is why heaven looks so good to so many people. No more tears, no more pain, no more suffering.

I have to say I made a mistake sometime ago when I said that it was harder when family or someone close to you dies all of a sudden. My thinking was that you never have a chance to say I love you or I am sorry to them. Nope, this is definitely harder.

I wonder will I have to die alone? Who will be there for me? Have you ever thought about that? I have a friend who wonders the same thing. Maybe people really don't think about death to much.

My family has had lot of death in it (according to my grandmother when I was little) We talk openly about it. On our way home from my honeymoon, I asked my husband about buying burial plots. I have to say this caught him off guard. He kind of freaked out a little. His family had not talked openly about death, even though they had major horrific losses.

I have a plot now. I am glad I have had it for about 4 years. It has room for up to 4 depending on burial or cremation. It is all paid for. I don't care who I am with, when I drive by ( it's over by the bay) I say LOOK there is my property! My family jokes about me having pink flamingos on my plot. Yes, my mother, grandparents, my step mother and many others in my family are already there. I will be close to my family when they lay me to "rest."

1 comment:

Mountain Momma said...

I too thought how hard it was to lose Gma so suddenly & unexpectedly. Everyday I think of something I wish I'd asked her. Answers I can't get from anyone else. Things Sister's done I'd love to share with her. It hurts. It hurts to the point of tears.
This does bad. Knowing he doesn't feel well, not knowing how to be of comfort. Helpless on our part.
Brother & Sister were SO HAPPY they got to visit him while they were in town! He's the only gpa they both really know.